Decode and Decipher ♥

Hello.
I dont really know where to spill things out, i dont want any misunderstandings. But yeaaaaaah somehow i also want alteast someone to listen. Whoever, but i’ll guess here would do.

Honestly, I dont myself in me anymore. I dont know why right now I seem to be so weak where last time i can dont even give a fuck. The way i think, macam budak-budak and i just dont see myself being independant anymore. WHY?! Really :(
Where’s my willpower, where’s all my backup? Why am I feeling like I’am the worse a person could ever be? Why do i sound like some little mouse begging to be save? Begging for things? No ellie, whattheheck is wrong with youuuuuu :( Ahhhh, moodless! It’s okay, I’ll keep this straight face and I’ll smile. I’ll bring myself up again. You’ll see.

Seriously.
Okay fine, I admit, I do get pretty jealous looking at other girls. They have the looks, the ”everyone-love-to-be-around-with”. But I am just fucking being who I am. I may not have the photogenic jazz or the coolest shit everyone like. If you cant just handle how fucking un-glam I am when i’m with you around other people, GO, find someone who could make others think you’re the man/woman that could get someone so fucking popular and perfect. I’m trying my best, more to my inside, really. yes, sometime I suck alot, but hey, you never? we have our own time. I’m just being me, according to how i think, how i am being brought up with. I make my own fucking decision, if i fall, i’ll get back up and learn from my fucking mistakes and NOT repeat it. If i succeed, Thank God. Easy. Well, who doesnt fear falling, but that’s what it takes to learn and grow stronger. I’m just toooooooo geram now, i dont know why. One of my reflect-on-my-fucking self day I guess. Sigh. Ellie, no matter how your-self you’re being, there fucking rooms to improve. They may not see it or say it, but you know yourself best.